forgiveness.

I am a very forgiving person. And I don't mean to create a stereotype but I have witnessed that people who tend to be extra sensitive, emotional & empathetic as myself, also tend to be very forgiving. We'd have to be, in order to move on in this painful, yet beautiful world.

We've all been hurt by someone. People are human. We're not perfect. And humans cause disappointment. Ex: my son refuses to pose for pictures and that hurts me some days; he doesn't always play nice with other kids and that hurts me even more. But these things are easy to forgive & forget.

To forgive&forget. 

What does that really mean? And as a sensitive.sally, I find myself dissecting the phrase almost every night. Does it mean to forgive someone for hurting you and never bringing it up again? Let them start with a clean slate? Because I've done that many times, only to find myself being hurt again by the same person, same painful act. Or maybe it's not meant to be forgive&forget. Maybe I am supposed to forgive&remember. Forgive them for mistreating me, taking advantage of me, but remember so that they can't hurt me ever again. Or as they call it, putting my guard up. But that's no way to live a life.

I had my feelings crushed a few weeks ago by someone I assumed was a good friend and a huge part of my life. Yes, I'll admit, there was sobbing in the bathroom involved. Our relationship changed forever. We don't talk as much as we used to. Can I admit one more thing? I'm still hurt over the entire situation. I have forgiven her since Day One but I am having the hardest time letting myself forget. 

Letting myself open up to her companionship, as I used to freely do. 

I have found myself praying for healing, then praying for a change of heart-a stronger heart, and even praying to just get REAL! Hey, pain is just a part of life. Not everyone in this world thinks you're as pleasant to be around as you do. Grow up, already Josie!

I have been literally stumped on why I can't just forget about it and let my guard down. Allow her into my life again with "no record of wrong-doing". And this morning, at 2 AM, as I'm still sobbing into my pillow God whispers to me, "You can't get over it because you care and love too much." Some days, I have even begged God to change my sensitive ways; let me able to be thick-skinned and have hurtful things just bounce off my back instead of being soaked in permanently into my swelling heart. 

But that would mean changing pretty much everything about me-the way I see the world, the way I love, even the way I parent. I do love too hard. I do care too much. About her. About humans, in general. 

I don't like to ever know the bad side of people. It's disappointing. And I truly believe that by putting my guard up (for now anyway), it is my defense mechanism for preventing her from hurting a wound that has not healed. Not for my own sake, but for hers and what I perceive about her. She is a good person, I know that. But this is my way if restoring and retaining that good I see in her; by not giving her the chance to crush me again.

Forgive and forget. Is it possible for a sensitive gal like me to ever forget anything?

I continue to pray for God to open my eyes and broaden my mind on His take on forgiveness. It's been quite a journey but I believe one day, I won't be able to hurt any more while still being able to pour my love towards every one that I know in this beautiful imperfect world.